Everything has a darkside. Everything. Not just the Park District, the Force, or the moon.

I have a darkside. It has gotten me into trouble many, many times. It is the Yang to my Yin. The flip to my flop. It is an undercooked hotdog served with a slice of Wonder bread. It is the side of existence that we avoid and ignore with what little passion we have left in our hearts after spending our days working at jobs that simply don’t pay us enough to breath.

I’ve only begun to tell the darkside of my story. It amazes me to think this is only the third post I have written in my new life as a writer. I’m not exactly sure what this new life will look like, but I am certain it will be filled with the love, joy and support that I have been receiving from my friends and family. My parents are helping to pay for my rent and holiday travel, my brother is helping to pay my electricity bill, and I have been saving and preparing for this moment since August of 2017 when Fryer and Dale tried to scare me into quitting by threatening me with a bad reference if I were to stay and receive one more complaint. I was ambushed for that meeting. It was not the first ambush I have survived while working there, but when they tried to ambush me again last Tuesday — I quit.

And walked away with peace and joy in my heart.

I had hoped I would be able to survive working and receiving a reliable paycheck until I could respectfully put in my two-weeks notice, but that option was ripped away from me and I was forced to walk out on the spot. There was no drama. I did everything in my power to avoid making a scene and causing a fuss… other than the fuss caused by the fact that my boss had no one but himself to cover my shift.

The inherent irony of the moment when I quit is a thing of pure beauty. To put it succinctly, Fryer has been forced to work a shift as a lifeguard, for the past month or so, ever since the woman working the day shift with me suddenly quit with barely a two week notice. Fryer conducted a quick ‘mini’ lifeguard class in order to hire two senior men who are regular patrons at the pool to cover his shift, yet one of the men quit before he was hired and Fryer still had to guard, albeit a shorter shift. Two days after the new guy was finally ready to work by himself was the day I quit. My cherry on top: Fryer spends everyday sitting in the hot tubs or sauna while being scheduled as the Building Supervisor. It is an act that not a single one of the other Building Supervisors are allowed to imitate. Fryer commonly refers to these moments during his workday as his daily “hot tub inspection.” I caught him upstairs as he was in his swimsuit, with his towel over his arm, and headed out to the hot tub to start ‘working’ his shift for the day.

“As repayment for all the years I spent being unfairly mistreated, I am doing this one small unfair act at the most inconvienent moment for you. I quit.”

I handed him my key and rode my bike home for the last time. I could not have planned the timing better if I tried. Life planned it for me.

I had made the decision to quit the night before. The full impact of what Fryer said to me during the middle of my shift on Tuesday did not register at first, but by the time I was home and capable of uninterrupted reflection, I realized I would not ALLOW the Park District one more opportunity to marginalize me. To victimize me by blaming me with unfounded statements and rumors that were NEVER investigated.

 It was providential that, a week prior to my decision to quit, a young high school student just beginning her first job working at the pool decided to challenge my authority as her Building Supervisor on an early morning Saturday shift. I had a coworker proofread my texts to her to make certain I was using a proper and respectful ‘voice’ of authority before sending them. When the young lady complained to Fryer about my ‘voice’ in the texts, she offered to let him read them. Fryer declined. On the Saturday in question, I had informed Fryer what was occuring (since he was at the pool doing the ‘mini’ lifeguard lesson), I explained what I had said in my texts, and told him about her snarky reply challenging my authority to chastise her for lack of following procedure (which, it turns out, was the exact same mistake she had made a few days earlier during one of Fryer’s shifts). I offered that Saturday morning to let Fryer read my texts and her reply, but he refused. On Monday, after the young woman complained to Fryer, he had to rotate with me and the first words out of his mouth were, “well, it’s the same old complaint about how you say things.” When I offered to let him read the texts for the second time, he again refused, but said, “keep them though. Just in case it gets worse.”

FAILURE TO INVESTIGATE is the reason I quit my job. Well, that and the fact that I have spent the past six years being labeled a “bitch” because I have had difficulty learning how to control my glucose levels, because I have a hard time recognizing the emotional and behavioral side-effects of my diabetes, because I refused to have sex with Red, because I am assertive and direct, because I am a strong black woman, because I tend to speak my mind, because I intimidate some people with my confidence, and because I have a habit of trying to fix problems on my own without complaining to others.

Like I said, I have a darkside. And it has gotten me in trouble many, many times. This time, however, I used my darkside to discover the ‘voice’ of Liberation hidden deep inside me and buried under years of doubt, fear, anxiety, confusion, trepidation, torment, and anguish. The erosion of my self-esteem during my years of oppression at the pool was an aspect of my employed existence that I was no longer willing to accept. The strength of my personality preserved me through the years of suffering. My darkside has always shown itself as a side of my personality that can be intimidating, authoritative, judgemental, and intolerant.

But, there is always a silver lining to every darkside. The silver lining of my current situation is the support and love I have received from the people who care about me, and the opportunities that have been continuously appearing before me that I would not have been able to capitalize on if I was still employed. The day after I quit I was offered a spot on two different women’s soccer teams, I have been offered professional help with my resume, I have been given links to new job possibilities, and I have uncovered a fathomless depth of energy and enjoyment for my new life, which would never have been possible without my unemployment.

As much as I am enjoying the freedom to live my new Life, I have to face the fact that I will simultaneously find myself in a position of losing as much as I gain. This morning I had to accept losing a friendship because of my actions at the pool. I have not contacted anyone still employed at the pool. I have absolutely no intention of ever going near that place again. The people I enjoyed working with who are still working there will have to be willing to reach out to me. I will not feed my energy into the destructive atmosphere of the pool ever again. Like I said yesterday, the pool is a cult. Supporting my assertion is the fact that I am not the only ex-employee of the cult hiding in town, and unwilling to have contact with anyone at the Park District.

Thursday morning I texted my friend still working at the pool:

I quit the pool yesterday. I waited until Jeff showed up and then handed him my key as he was in his swimsuit headed out to the hot tubs. I said, “As repayment for all the years I spent being unfairly mistreated, I am doing this one small unfair act at the most inconvenient moment for you. I quit.”

I feel good today 🙂

Wanna grab a beer and hear the whole story?

I expected her to be thrilled for me because she has been talking for the past month about how much she wants to quit working at the pool, how unfair the place is, how many problems she has to face during her shifts, and how tired she is of the fact that the pool never changes. I have shared my stories about sexual harassment and discrimination over the years with her. I thought at the very least she would reply with a simple, “wow! I hope everything works out ok.”

Instead, her response was:

I am under the weather

Maybe another time

At the time, I thought it odd that she would use illness as her excuse, only because a few days previously she had called in sick to work at the pool because she was, in her words, “sick of working there” and instead had a beer with me and talked about how much she wanted to quit.

I was hurt, but I did what I always do — I accepted her as the person she is and held my silence in peace. The exact type of response that has allowed me to be in a position of being systemically harassed and discriminated against. After three days of silence from my ‘friend’ I decided to speak up for myself and my hurt feelings. Last night I sent her another text:

I’m confused as to why you haven’t reached out. I tell you I quit the pool and you have nothing to say?? It feels as if you don’t care and, to be honest, that kinda hurts. Are you ok?!? Is the fact that I quit coming between our friendship? I hope not, but I will understand if it has become a problem for you.

This morning I woke up to her reply:

I am not sure how to respond to this. I have been ill for a few days-but… Clearly I am unable to meet your needs as a friend and I have disappointed you. Also, Amanda is coaching staff and this is too close to home for me, don’t you think? But the only thing I can do is respectfully back away because I really don’t know how to support you. I can’t handle any more negativity in my life at the moment and I will leave it at that.

I realized immediately that this person was my last affiliation to the cult and I needed to sever ALL attachment with the pool. In a single text, my ‘friend’ not only gave her support to the power structure of the pool cult by listening to whatever rumors are rampantly spreading among the void left behind by my absence, but she effectively proved that my well-being and happiness were not an issue of importance to her.

It was not difficult for me to find my ‘voice’ of Liberation and to respond to her as kindly and respectfully as possible:

Ok. My quitting had NOTHING to do with Amanda and I have never felt better in my life. I regret the fact that you would rather believe in pool gossip, but I respect your choice. There is no negativity involved for me, but it does sound like you have enough to deal with on your own. As for supporting me as my friend…all I wanted from you was to feel like you cared about me. We could have easily talked about anything else over a beer. I wish you the best of luck 🙂

And now I am truly finished with the pool. I have escaped the cult and I am not damaged by the repercussions of the ostracism inherent within a cult’s culture. I have no fear of not being able to return. I am exactly where I want to be. Darkside included.